* Resist urge to urinate on the crowd. Standing above so many conservatives, I know it will be hard for you to not just unzip your fly and piss all over them, but you’ll have to try. It may seem right and natural to you do so, but it won’t go over well.
* Call for a bombing run on Berkeley until they admit the military is awesome. Conservatives would like a nice local war. Plus, if in the end we decide to pull out of Berkeley and never go back, that’s cool too.
* State that Fred Thompson will be your VP and vow not to live long. That would be awesome. I bet it would get a standing ovation at CPAC.
* Hand out free candy. Pretty self-explanatory. Conservatives will say, “McCain may be against us on many issues, but he’s the only candidate who gave me candy!”
* One word: Yubitsume. It’s a Japanese ritual of cutting off a part of your pinky finger in an act of apology. Will seem sincere.