Frank Advice for McCain at CPAC

Frank J comes through with some positive suggestions for Maverick.
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* Resist urge to urinate on the crowd. Standing above so many conservatives, I know it will be hard for you to not just unzip your fly and piss all over them, but you’ll have to try. It may seem right and natural to you do so, but it won’t go over well.
* Call for a bombing run on Berkeley until they admit the military is awesome. Conservatives would like a nice local war. Plus, if in the end we decide to pull out of Berkeley and never go back, that’s cool too.
* State that Fred Thompson will be your VP and vow not to live long. That would be awesome. I bet it would get a standing ovation at CPAC.
* Hand out free candy. Pretty self-explanatory. Conservatives will say, “McCain may be against us on many issues, but he’s the only candidate who gave me candy!”
* One word: Yubitsume. It’s a Japanese ritual of cutting off a part of your pinky finger in an act of apology. Will seem sincere.
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Fredhead Reasons

Kill the Terrorists
Close the Borders
Punch the Hippies
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You might be a Fredhead if…
…you blame America last.
…you kinda like it when terrorists are made uncomfortable.
…you think a Senate majority leader who constantly tells us how things are doomed while a war is still ongoing needs a good bitch-slapping.
…you think it’s great if a murderer finds God, but that doesn’t mean he should be let out of prison.
…you think America’s sovereignty is kinda important.
…you think anyone who talks about how the rich aren’t “paying their fair share” is a whiny little Communist.
…”great hair” is low on your list of presidential requirements.
…call you crazy, but you’d prefer a presidential candidate who actually shares your conservative views.
…you think it’s time someone did something about the hippies.
…you think someone didn’t draw those border lines on a map just for fun.
…you prefer movies where American troops are the good guys.
…you suspect the Iran might actually be up to something.
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