The Best Obamafacts – Part I

I can also heal the deaf

I can also heal the deaf

From the People’s Cube:

  1. When a tree falls in the forest, Obama hears it.
  2. Obama can clap with one hand.
  3. Obama can calculate your guilt just by looking at the numbers in your checkbook.
  4. A microphone into which Obama has spoken, heals asbestos-related disorders and colorectal cancer by direct application.
  5. Every time Obama talks about “hope,” coma patients regain consciousness and chant “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”
  6. Obama’s famous stare once converted 15 Islamic fundamentalists into secular progressives, all of whom are currently employed by Countrywide Home Loans.
  7. Everything Obama touches begins to vote Democrat.
  8. More dead people voted for Obama than for any other Democrat candidate in the history of Chicago politics.
  9. The tingle that crawled up Chris Matthews’ leg has taken control of his brain and is reporting a full preparedness to take over the world.

There’s lots more there – some of my suggestions:

  • Obama can cause your tires to correctly inflate to the appropriate pressure just by laying hands on your car hood
  • The delay in announcing his Vice Presidential candidate is caused by the genuflection which instinctively is practiced by all in his presence, the inability of mere mortals to look him in the eye, the inarticulate wonder of his presence is causing some interview problems
  • The water used to wash Obama’s shorts has caused spontaneous reanimation of the dead

Good Barry – Bad Barry

The People Cube has the answer for all the Obamabots dithering over the sudden and complete policy changes currently being pronounced by the One True Messiah:

But it turns out that Obama’s sudden rightward shift has an easy and rational explanation: he has an evil twin who often poses as Good Obama and spouts disturbingly non-progressive views. The absolute resemblance of the Obama twins makes it almost impossible to distinguish between the two, although it has been reported that Evil Obama wears a goatee.

Separated from his evil twin at birth, Good Obama happily grew up among the friendly and altruistic Marxists, while Evil Obama had the misfortune of being raised by distant cousin Lynne Cheney and her conniving husband Dick. This explains Evil Obama’s bitterness that is causing him to cling to his Bible, guns, and victory in Iraq.

Good Question

The One True Messiah, Lord Barry H recently decreed that every high school student should be coerced into doing his bidding, which brings up a really good question:

As for the compulsory service for middle and high school students, Obama said:

Finally, we need to integrate service into education, so that young Americans are called upon and prepared to be active citizens.

Just as we teach math and writing, arts and athletics, we need to teach young Americans to take citizenship seriously. Study after study shows that students who serve do better in school, are more likely to go to college, and more likely to maintain that service as adults. So when I’m President, I will set a goal for all American middle and high school students to perform 50 hours of service a year, and for all college students to perform 100 hours of service a year.

Got that, parents?  Senator Obama will make your kids pick up trash to become “active citizens,” but saying the Pledge of Allegiance is still optional.  And just a thought here, if parents can already opt out of certain school activities like frog dissection, why can’t parents simply opt out of this plan as well?

Obama – Not An Earthling!

The People’s Cube blows the lid off this major story that the dead-stream media is not reporting:

In another distraction meant to keep American voters away from the real issues, Fox News channel announced today that the GOP is in possession of a birth certificate proving beyond doubt that Barack Obama’s real birthplace is, in fact, planet Lappa IV, located in the Alpha Quadrant and inhabited by a splinter group of the Ferengi species, who have developed a highly collectivist culture based on the principles of socialist acquisition and redistribution of wealth

Looking back, one can only wonder at the mainstream media’s unblinking acceptance of Obama as a 100% Earthling, despite even such obvious clues as his big earlobes, a supernatural fundraising ability, and his campaign logo that resembles the emblem of the Ferengi Alliance.

The Lappian Rules of Socialist Acquisition are similar to the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, but are more focused on sacred collectivist rules of behavior, which, combined with the entrepreneurial spirit of the Ferengi species, uniquely qualifies them to handle Democrat Party fundraisers.

Although the history of Lappian presence on Earth is unclear, it is known that Lappian children are required to memorize Rules of Socialist Acquisition as part of their general education to become consummate Democrat Party operatives, strategists, and consultants. It is said that the earliest Rule of Socialist Acquisition was penned by Karl Marx, who was also a Ferengi from Lappa IV.

The Rules of Socialist Acquisition
(a representative sample)

  1. To each according to his ability to work the system.
  2. Compassion without coercion is useless.
  3. The vast majority of the rich in this galaxy are undertaxed.
  4. All we want is what’s yours.
  5. Monopoly is evil unless the government runs it.
  6. Never be afraid to mislabel an opponent.
  7. Be clean, articulate, and non-threatening.
  8. When in doubt, throw a friend under the bus.
  9. A liberal without guilt is no liberal at all.
  10. When someone says, “I’m not a racist,” he’s lying.
  11. Entitlements and handouts will always overcome freedom and opportunity.
  12. Integrity is no substitute for campaign cash.
  13. Make sure your campaign cash doesn’t cost you more than it is really worth.
  14. Beware of relatives giving speeches.
  15. The most beautiful thing about the environment is that you can turn it into an election issue.
  16. Citing Global Warming yields more cash than pointing a gun.

Many more are listed at the People’s Cube who also have an interesting photo of the creator of the rules:

As The Messiah Turns

Harvey gives it his all in recapping the latest episode of the Obamamessiah and his good work in curing the ills of all:

“Help me, Obamessiah!” cried Marilyn, “I’ve spent all my money on clothes, shoes, jewelry, vodka, Red Bull, piercings, and back tattoos! I’ve no money left for tuition! How will I pay for school without getting a job like some fat, unpopular girl whom the national media’s cameras love not?”

“But how will you pay for it?”, sobbed Marilyn.

“Same way I’ll pay for everything I promise – by stealing money from someone who has more of it than you but less than me. Like from kid over there who looks un-fair-sharingly wealthy.”

“But I’m not wealthy!” objected the target of Obama’s accusation. “My clothes aren’t Old Navy faux-raggedy, they’re Salvation Army REAL-raggedy!”

“Questioning me is racism!” Obama snarled, poking a menacing – yet impeccably manicured – finger into the boy’s chest. “Now stop showing antipathy towards those who are different than you and pony up!”

And see how I need to wipe each eye.  And how the color of my skin changes.  And how you become really green.